By Matt Fleming and Jarrod Jones. This is the ANTI-MONITOR podcast, where something something family. This week Jarrod & Birdy recap their experience with ‘Furious 7’ the most successful entry in the baffling “Furious” franchise from Universal Pictures. Then they play a game of “Guess That Furious Movie” because really, all these flicks are exactly the same.

As always, be wary for spoilers throughout, and please enjoy. 

'Furious 7' gets the ANTI-MONITOR treatment

Image: Universal Pictures

ANTI-MONITOR — MATT: It’s mind-boggling to think that there are as many Fast And Furious flicks as there are Star Wars, but the fact remains that audiences keep shelling out dough for this adrenaline-fueled franchise. Furious 7 is a terrific example of what happens after such a franchise has been bled dry. With an eighth film right around the corner, it’s clear that someone at Universal Studios has either a drug (or gambling) problem to support. Truly, there is no artistic reason for these movies to keep being made.

With the untimely death of Paul Walker, the folks behind Furious 7 were tasked with giving the star a proper send-off. Of course, all the gratis Monster Energy Drinks and free peeks at boobies probably helped assuage the filmmaker’s sorrow, but the end result is little more than a gigantic mess. That aside, Furious 7 is the worst Mission: Impossible clone yet, stretching an implausible premise to unreachable heights. Not even the brief appearance of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — or the laughably unthreatening presence of Jason Statham — could make this movie watchable.

ANTI-MONITOR — JARROD: Furious 7 blurs the line between harmless summer blockbuster and outright cynical cash-grab. It’s monstrous how insipid these stories are, as though constructing an engaging narrative were somehow an antiquated notion. Universal’s Furious franchise makes no serious effort to construct a cohesive world around the saga of Dominic Toretto and his family of sassy mercenaries. The most glaring example is Sung Kang’s character Han, who has been shuffled around this franchise until Furious 7 finally, mercifully declared him dead. (He died in the franchise’s third installment, Tokyo Drift, and somehow kept popping up in these movies.)

Characters ooze from one location to the next. Scenes abruptly end with little to no consequences. This lack of story flow makes the film feel more like an obnoxiously overlong montage of action sequences. To me, the film looks and feels like it had been translated from French and the people translating it couldn’t be arsed to learn the language enough to connect the story beats into coherence. It’s a mess — pretty in places, energetic in others, but still a mess — but I suppose that’s enough to make money. *reaches for a bottle of whiskey* I’m in the wrong racket.

'Furious 7' gets the ANTI-MONITOR treatment

Image: Universal Pictures

CONSENSUS: Insultingly dumb, dangerously vacuous, and mind-numbingly loud, the success of Furious 7 — and the entire Furious franchise — continues to bewilder us. 4 out of 10

Before: ‘Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie’ for die-hards only

The Anti-Monitor podcast is co-written and produced by M. Fleming and J. Jones, edited by J. Jones.

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