TUBE ROCKET: GAME OF THRONES

May 18, 2015 | TUBE ROCKET

Season Five, Episode Six — “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”

Screenshot 2015-05-18 at 12.24.17 AMBy Jarrod Jones. Who else needs a shower after that? And here I thought I was going to be stuck talking about how stupid that Sand Snakes/Bronn & Jaime fight was, or questioning the credulity behind the existence of a “cock merchant”. Nope, instead Game of Thrones went ahead and made my job easier by pissing me off to the point where I’m actually considering dropping the show. And for what? To really make me hate Ramsay Bolton? Shee-it.

Anyway, a lot more things happened this week aside from rape, but does anybody care at this point? We learned what it would sound like in the once-unlikely scenario where Jonathan Pryce used the word “buggery”, so that’s something. And then someone said “cock merchant.” *pinches bridge of nose* Oh, and in the episode’s least upsetting subplot, Arya walked around a severed head museum.

WHAT WORKED: Lord Baelish (Aidan Gillen) has business in King’s Landing, which brings him right into the middle of one hell of a viper’s nest, or more so than what’s normal for King’s Landing, I guess. The Sparrows have made it abundantly clear that there is zero tolerance for flesh peddlers in this new paradigm, so Baelish’s first contact with the cult, er… religious sect was a fun back and forth between — wait. Baelish is the fuckhead who left Sansa in Winterfell with those goddamned Boltons. You know what? Skip it.

WHAT DIDN’T: “Who are you?” Who am I? I think the more pertinent question would be, where the hell his this subplot going? Lots of ponderous nonsense this week, as Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) attempts to lose her identity from within the House of Black and White, but really… does anybody want her to? For Arya to lose her identity to become some nameless, faceless assassin… doesn’t that negate her downright sociopathic drive to eviscerate all those who betrayed the House of Stark? What’s the point in having Arya throw away her family name? If Bronn wasn’t all the way over in Dorne somehow (more on that in a minute), I’d say get these two together, because he has a lot more to teach the Wee Stark about revenge than some robed Dr. Kevorkian.

It’s a well-established fact that Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) is packing some serious heat, but to stage an entire sequence around it only shows how far off the rails this show has truly gone. Apparently, dwarf cocks are magical and there are merchants who trade in them? You guys, I’m still watching this why?

Two subplots finally converge this week as Bronn (Jerome Flynn) and Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) go from taking forever to get anywhere to strolling through the water gardens of Dorne in no time at all. For what, exactly? To prance about with the Sand Snakes in a silly-ass fight, one that ultimately proves that neither of these subplots are worth a good goddamn, that’s what. Feh.

But the 400-lb. gorilla violently shoving its way into this week’s Tube Rocket is decidedly the wedding night of Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) and Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner). Obviously, there’s no need to go into details, but I do have a question: considering that the show has decided to do whatever the fuck they want with George R.R. Martin’s characters, books be damned, does that give them the right to exploit them in whatever manner they deem necessary? Yes, this is a harsh story about a harsh world told without limits on a network that’s notoriously awful to women. But as this is a distressing (and totally upsetting) turn of events conjured by the show’s runners, I have been brought to another question: what the hell is your problem, you dicks?

BEST LINE(s):

“It’ll be a dwarf-sized cock!” – Pirate. “Guess. Again!” – Tyrion.

“Step carefully, Lord Baelish. You’ll find there’s little tolerance for flesh peddlers in the new King’s Landing.” – Brother Lancel. “We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel. Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Lord Baelish.

“Ser Loras was promised to me. Instead he chose the company of boys.” – Cersei. “One’s choice of companion is a curious thing.” Lord Baelish.

“If they arrested all the pillow biters in King’s Landing, there’d be no room left in the dungeons for anyone else.” – Lady Olenna.

BEST MOMENT: Mmm… I’m gonna go ahead and skip that one.

EPISODE’S MVP: Who would you reward here? Tyrion’s a mewling coward, Lord Baelish left Sansa to a horrific fate, Margaery’s married to the most useless king to ever sit on the Iron Throne, and I’ve just about had it with this fucking show. No dice this week.

gameofthrones15-122-135876DRAGON EGGS:

– I thought that this week, in honor of being fucking disgusted with Game of Thrones, I’d just post some righteously pissed off tweets that convey precisely what I’m feeling right now.

Hey, there’s more next week. Fantastic.